Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Watching the rain.

I had been thinking of writing a blog when I was in Hospital but it wasn't until I read the blog of a young girl called Alice, who died at the age of 17 from cancer, that I started. Her last entry was Jan 1st 2013 and she died 11 days later. To read what she went through in those few short years, and to imagine the suffering of her family is something I can't put into words, but what it did do was make me realise how very lucky I am, at the time of writing I have lived for 35 years that she was denied, how can I complain or feel sorry or myself?
I have been put onto another blog by a 40 something lady called Jane who died of  Kidney cancer in 2010. "very moving" was the phrase used. Moving doesn't even begin to touch it. My initial reaction was I didn't want to read it, as it would upset me so much, and I don't really want to read in detail about what I will go through over the next few years, but then I realised I owed it to her to read it. So I have started, I am only part way through 2007 and I have been reduced to tears, it suddenly puts into perspective my horrendous experience in Hospital, how lucky was I! What she went through from the beginning, makes my time seem like nothing more than having a tooth removed. Her writing should be compulsive reading for everyone, I no the Big C is still something that when you are young,  people avoid talking about and rightly so, unlike Alice you have growing up to do, experiences to come and hopefully good times ahead, we all take our health for granted and that is understandable, we all abuse our bodies one way or another, and as is often shown, a healthy lifestyle doesn't always guarantee a healthy body, what Janes blog teaches you is that you should never take life for granted, it is a very old cliché, but you really should make the most of every minute you have, again I am very lucky because I now have a period of stability where I can do a lot of  the things I want to do over the next year or two, to some extent much like Jane. I suppose what I am trying to say, is get your life into some sort of perspective, don't worry about the things in it you can't change, look at what you do have, and what you can achieve, look at the very basic things that make you happy. Over the last month or two I have had a lot  of depression, despair, and plain old unhappiness, but this has been fuelled by my cancer, not caused by it, my worries have been caused by my loneliness, lack of someone close enough to me to hold and love me and my expectations and desires and disappointments of people in my life. I can't force anyone to love me, or even like me, I can't even change what people think of me, I can't wave a magic wand and suddenly meet the girl of my dreams, and even if I did what have I got to offer her? So again what I am trying to say, is I need to get my priorities together, because before I know it I will be coming to the end of my life and I will still be getting upset over these things, I need to make the most and enjoy what I have, not to get upset over what I wish I could have. Life has to be a compromise, but it doesn't have to be a compromise on the parts of your life that you enjoy, so enjoy them as much as you can, ok so I have always been very good at preaching to others, then making a balls up of it myself, lets see if over the next year or two I can take my own words of wisdom and enjoy what time I have left.

When I first started writing this Blog it really was for me only, an outlet, and maybe to show my children when the time comes that having an illness like this isnt all bad.  There are so many positives to be gained from it.

Janes words, describing her reasons for writing her blog. I am only writing mine for myself, a way of talking and expressing my thoughts and feelings to the world, I have told some friends that I have started it, but I haven't shown it to anyone,  I'm not sure if I will, if a friend stumbles across it then so be it, I happy for anyone else to read it and if you  learn  something from it or it helps you in any tiny way then that will have made it all worthwhile, I think it is very personal and I don't want friends to be put in a position where they feel compelled to comment or be sympathetic or even to get upset, maybe once I have gone they can read it and understand me a little better or it may help them in their own life in some small way.

Disbelief and denial at first. Then anger. Then a crushing devastation . Now its a calm acceptance, with a few moments of despair thrown in.
I have no fear, for what is there to be afraid of?

These words of Janes have already helped me, they show me the path that my emotions will take.


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