Saturday, 16 May 2015

Negatives and Positives

My ex best friend said to me a while back that I had changed since I had cancer, a strange comment really, as obviously my whole world has changed but underneath I am still much the same, what she missed, was because of the way she treated me after I came out of hospital my opinion of her changed and I realised that my idea of a best friend was completely different to her idea.
The one good thing to come out of my cancer experience is that it has opened my eyes, I don't have time for passengers, I am on borrowed time and I do not want to waste it squabbling and fighting and trying to keep other people happy.  I am lucky to have some really special and supportive friends and family around me, and now I have some fabulous people I know locally, I don't need anyone else.
Right that's the first negative out of the way, now for the second.
I had my 3 monthly scan on Tuesday at Clatterbridge, and now my consultant has 18 months of scans to look at he can see a pattern, basically everything is growing, and the cancer has spread to the glands in my chest, I can't say I am surprised it has spread, as it had already taken over 4 organs. I now have 3 months grace until the next scan, when I think I will commence treatment. The treatment for Kidney cancer is not particularly successful, Chemo is ineffective, there is the possibility of a clinical trial with a new drug, but that has now dragged on for over a year so I am not very optimistic. The part I am trying to get my head round, is that apart from tiredness at times, I do feel very good, both physically and mentally, so starting a treatment that will make me ill and probably wont have much effect on the cancer is a hard decision to make.

Now we can get on to the positives, which not only are way more interesting but way more important.
Last Sunday I did a sponsored walk for Clatterbridge hospital, I will donate them some money, as I really don't like asking people for money, especially as this is one of several events I am doing, and also most of my friends are Poor! I had to insert the capital P, as Margo says in the superb John Green book, 'Paper Towns' why do words in the middle of sentences have to get short changed!
Back to the walk. It was only 8km along the beach at Crosby north of Liverpool, nothing to strenuous, but of course I had to make it difficult, so I took one of our dogs from the Warrington RSPCA shelter.

I am not  sure how old Willow is, but she is quite young and because of her  ill treatment this would be her first trip out into the big wide world, and again I couldn't make things easy by driving, so we walked the mile from Slutches lane to Warrington Central station, got a train to Lime St, walked through the middle of Liverpool to Central station, got another train up the coast to Waterloo and then walked along the beach, and of course we had to do it all on the return.
Willow & friend
Willow is the most adorable dog, she has obviously had a really tough life, she came to us  scared of her own shadow, and she still reacts horribly if you accidently trip over her, but we had a fabulous day, she was unbelievably good, considering everything she had to contend with. She made friends right from the start, where she latched on to a young lady at Central station, and then curled up next to her on the train.
Lime St  
Waterloo train
The only real problems were at Liverpool Central, I left Willow tied to an A board while I went into Greggs to get a coffee, and while I was waiting I turned round and she calmly followed me in, having easily slipped out of her harness, I really should have known better than to trust most of these basic harnesses on sale, as they are rubbish, fortunately the staff in Greggs and a passer by were very helpful to say the least. Central station is like an underground station, and without thinking I walked on to the escalator, but unfortunately Willow didn't, and had no intention of either,  so I had to very hastily back track. Haha. Stairs from now on.

Remembrance flags

Clatterbridge helpers
By the time we got back to Lime St we were both very tired, on the platform we had about 150 ft to walk to the train and 10 minutes, I ended up carrying Willow as she really was not going any further, on the train she was bravely sitting up, but her eyelids kept drooping, so she had done enough for one day.
Proudly displaying her medal
Yesterday was the last time I will see Willow, as she has found a home with one of the veterinary nurses, she will have a great life now and will be surrounded with love, but I will miss her.
Our last walk


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